I just talked to Kay and she’s resting in her room, sounds like no visitors suits her just fine. I’m on hand if need be, but I think she may be staying until tomorrow. And the hospital is extra nice and let her check out late, like when George or Meggan get off work.

Anyway we’ll have a good weekend and declare independence from work bosses, stuff we can’t fix and schedules.

That’s fireworks enough for me.

I’m trying to keep my anger at the cancer in line. I can’t fix it and it forces me to consider the untimely nature of mortality. It’s a reminder of how vital it is to live in the day I’m in.

I’ve let some porch plants dry up and die and I don’t really care. I find other things I want to tend. And other times I’m just frozen in my house like a spotted fawn let to be quiet in the sunlight where no harm will come to it, if only it remains still.

Last night I stopped by Straubs’s, the fancy-schmancy store in town with high prices but most excellent products. I’ve found if I shop only the sale items I can add bits of luxury into our menus with no sacrifice.

So I was there picking up some 5-pepper oven-roasted turkey breast for sandwiches and salad. I stepped over to the deluxe fish counter. I decided to try cooking fresh tuna like I ate served at Andy’s last restaurant, highly seared and rare inside, sliced to lie over a bed of good greens.

Even at regular price, my 4 oz portion was only 2.49 and the service was very good. So maybe I’ll let myself have that bit of protein treat now and then. Or branch out to other fish.

As you all suspected, when life gets tough I get cooking. I’m planning brownies with walnuts for later. Sure the oven will make the kitchen hot, but that’s the way it is. It’s just for a little while. The smell alone will be worth it. And then there will be the way Gary smiles when he comes home to find a surprise and wiggles his eyebrows.

If I could pry my ass out of the house I’d go get him some vanilla ice cream, but that’s not as likely to happen. If I push myself the plants outside on the deck might get watered.

I have a votive candle lit, pale yellow, Aroma Naturals’ Harmony scent, a mix of basil and lime. The flame dances when the AC comes on. It’s a show of it’s own, simple and bright.

Well, it’s a cooler day than we got last week. I’ve got some screened windows open for fresh air. I should have gone out in the yard but stayed inside cooking and tending things in here.

We had plumbing problems, the tub’s drain pipe leaking into the basement, onto some of Gary’s tools. Not cool. Luckily he has the know-how to fix it this morning after a trip to the hardware store. I’m ever so grateful for his skill set than keeps this house in repair.

This afternoon I tried to call Kay, but Meggan answered the phone, then had to get the other line with a call from a doctor. A bit later she called from the ER to say Kay had a bad night and wasn’t keeping things down, was dehydrated so they were going to give her IV fluids to fix that. I hope it’s simple.

But nothing seems simple a week after surgery to remove a kidney full of cancer. See? That was even hard to write.

So another day we go through just what the day brings us, usually unplanned, and we hope for another fix. I’m feeling antsy, but it’s just going to be that way for awhile.

The weeds have overgrown everything delicate outside. On the porch my little lemon verbena looks pretty scraggly. It all does. We finally harvested some basil from rows out back to go with our lunch salad; it’s going to flower early because of the heat. Everything seems out of whack. The things I care about I can’t do much to alter.

My attempts at being mindful of the moment are getting twisted into a frozen stillness, as if doing nothing is the best way to avoid a big mess up.

I’m thinking of taking a lavender bath, getting into the water element and trying to envision myself flowing along, just a ripple on the surface.

The tub is newly fixed so maybe I can soak and drain some of this feeling away with the water. A candle would be good too. Just to focus on something simple.

I just finished paying the bills. It was merely a chore, something I can cross of my mental to-do list. Mortgage, utilities, gas for the car.

I’m grateful that I can write out checks and have money to cover them. This was not always true. So many people are struggling now, with the recession causing so many changes.

We’ve always lived simply so I suppose we are not hit as hard as folks who need to make big lifestyle changes. And we are fortunate that our income is unchanged. But we take nothing for granted.

Illness in the family has made me think even less of things. I’d like the health for my family that everyone talks about but then seem to go on acquiring stuff. Not you kind folk who are reading, but people I see around me here.

I know we have loads of luxuries and I’m aware of that fortunate place in the world where I find myself. Clean water, shelter and the ability to communicate with people far and wide. Education, medical care … so many things that are sheer luck of birth and place.

When I was with my sister at the hospital I looked around her room and was conscious of how clean and well-equipped it was. No flies, no filth, no one sleeping on the floor. No need to go buy old medicine at some black market or watch her suffer through painful after effects of surgery in shabby conditions.

We are, even the poorest of us, richer than we often have cause to realize.

Peaceful night. Surgery was clean; the kidney with cancer removed with large incision and no suprises were found. Pill form of chemo will begin later to address troublesome spots in other areas.

We had a good nurse and tech - thanks Larry and Maggie - taking vitals and doing a very good job of tending to Kay's medical needs. The epidural machine that dispenses her painkiller was on the fritz and went through three sets of batteries (they couldn't locate a better one last night), but I was glad she was mostly painfree.

I learned the symphony of sound that went on, so I was able to tell when something was off and needed quick attention. Kay can only have ice chips so I learned to refill those, clean cup, clean spoon, measure amount. It was good to be close and alone.

I "slept" on a poorly designed recliner, the kind that keeps trying to close up and also had some metal crosspiece that irritated my tailbone, but I could push it right next to the bed so I could hear Kay's breathing and hold her hand.

A foldaway cot with a mattress was too far away for my monitoring purposes. I only caught snatches of sleep, but reminded myself that this was better than some places I've slept on trains and planes, and also I was in better shape than my sister. I liked the dark room with the light coming from under her fancy hospital bed and from the window.

I brought more lavender and rose greranium oil to put on the bag of dried flowers I gave her the other day. She had it hanging by it's ribbon to the back of the large fan cooling her. A little aroma therapy was apprecitated by all who noticed it.

Early this morning people started coming in to visit, in groups of threes and fours. What are people thinking? And phone calls! From distant relatives who never communicate with Kay, just glooming on to the drama IMO. I fielded calls and told them to call back on the weekend, when she'll hopefully be discharged ;-)

After turning down the phone - Kay didn't want it turned off at the nurses' desk so important people could get through - I stretched the cord way over to the cot and put the phone under a pillow. Then I or the next caretaker could answer the phone without it being so jarring.

My mom came in around 10AM so I gathered my weary self and made the 45 minute drive home. I had coffee, took a shower and fell right to sleep until 4PM.

I will gladly go again if I am needed, but the amount of people fluttering uselessly around Kay was exhausting. Just send a card people! I will go late again and leave earlier. Caring for her once she is home will be a better pace for me I think.

I won’t write much today. Some of you already know from the Café, but I’ll repeat in here for those who don’t know.

My sister Kay had abdominal pain that she thought was passing gallstones, so went down to the ER Thursday night while working as an RN. Cat scans revealed that she has cancer in one kidney, a large mass, with spots of it also showing up on lungs, liver and esophagus.

She’s in the oncology ward on pain killers awaiting surgery Monday afternoon. Then the pathology on the removed cancer will be run so they can plot the course of treatment for the other locations.

She's getting the best doctors and other professionals in the place. She's worked there over 30 years. Everyone knows her, a great nurse and good friend.

This sister is two years younger than me, the one who shared my room and bed as we grew up. She brings her grandkids over all the time for me to enjoy. So yes, she is my favorite and we are close. This is a kick in the gut, no surprise. She never smoked, drank the occasional wine cooler at picnics, and has normal weight – no lifestyle indicators for cancer. But of course that is more often true than not these days.

I just want to get back to planning her wedding in September to the sweetest guy she’s even had in her life. Things were good for her, finally, and now this.

I am still stuck in anger and fear. I’m sure I’ll move through some other emotions as this thing progresses. So, if I come up missing for a spell or sound out of sorts, now you know why.

I'm at my desk while Gary enjoys his lathe, turning a 17" bowl. We are winding down from nine days of not-reporting-to-work, our version of vacation this spring.

It's been good to go slow, be relaxed and not spend money needed elsewhere. We had fun, visited with local family and friends, took a couple rides, picked up new rain barrels, caught up on some naps. Just as much easy-going fun as we wanted.

Tomorrow it's back to work for Gary. He said he's enjoyed the time off. I made a point to have nothing scheduled and never asked for him to do yardwork or other stuff that would get in the way of free time as it should be. Of course by being home we could keep up with laundry, pay bills and eat tasty healthy food, so it was all around good.

As we watched the price of gas climb we got to laugh, thinking of the money we were not spending. Gary enjoyed watching the BBC America news at night with me, watching Netflix movies and seeing other evening happenings.

We attended a family graduation picnic, went out to eat one night, listened to thunderstorms and enjoyed not driving in them. We took Andy for his first farmer's market outing and he went with us today for Gary's birthday lunch. We fell better about Andy, seeing him so calm and relaxed, telling us about what he's doing with friends and the new job, which doesn't start for a couple weeks. He's got band gigs and will sing with other bands while he has some free time. He's getting projects done at home and seems OK with everything. Mary was off at her folks' today for a graduation gathering on their side.

We're about to have a big veggie frittata, to use up the egg whites left over from making tiramisu yesterday, probably a bottle of white wine, some leftover tiramisu and maybe watch a French movie about an old man who catches butterflies. I think it will be lovely. If we can't travel, we bring the world to our home.

Oh yes, for Gary's birthday, I told him to get whatever he wanted all week, no limits. He got six assorted bottles of wine, some small things at Rocklers woodworkers store and four one-pound boxes of Bissinger's 60% dark chocolate, since it happened to be on half-price sale when I sent him to their store. Nice haul and I get to share most of it.

I also finished my month of daily poetry writing with my Winnipeg online friends. I sent off three poems to a lit-mag contest, just to honor a promise. It made me shaky. I've never put anything in an envelope and mailed it off before. No expectations. I just need to gather experience, develop a habit and quit hoarding my work. So they say.

I hope June is another good month.

We finally caved and put on the AC since the humidity was so bad outside and the rain kept coming. It’s off and on now.

Once the sun comes back out and we get closer to the end of the week, it will be much hotter here. I think that will limit my outdoor fun at Katie’s graduation party Saturday. I’m thinking maybe skip the hottest part of the day, go later. It’s getting to the time of year when I live and die by the heat outside. Hate it! I love the green landscape, but the heat kills me.

This afternoon I’m enjoying a quiet time while Gary does some lathe work in his shop. It seems like there is nothing to do, but that is sort of the point, being unfocused and letting each day just happen without schedules. I have food aplenty here rot feed Gary good meals, but we can go out if he feels like it. We talked about going up to the north end of the county to look at the Rockler wood store, but I wasn’t into it. Didn’t really want to go out riding around, especially to a woodshop store and look at tools or wood. I should just tell Gary to go alone. We can pick up some coolant from George, Kay’s fiancé, and give a charge to the Oldsmobile. Again, I wasn’t really motivated to get into that. I know Kay was watching her grandkids today. I love them, but somehow felt it was going to take too much out of me to deal with them and not end up with a decent visit with Kay.

Her SIL came over for lunch, taking a break form his worksite. We enjoyed that. He talks with Gary about his work and the two of them are friends. That is something I’m glad to see. Matt’s family is up in WI and they don’t’ communicate much. It’s a big dairy family and he is sort of an outsider since he joined the Army, moved away and now lives down here near his wife’s family. We’re glad to have him.

We haven’t heard from Andy yet, but assume he’s doing computer bookwork for the old restaurant. It was supposed to shut down over the weekend. I just have to let it go and move on. I was taking it too personally and that’s no help to him. He’ll let me know what’s up soon enough.

Well, I’m not even saying anything that needs saying. I better go check on the strawberries I prepped for supper. The local berries are in and delicious. We may get more on Friday. The farm has had all this rain but with the heat and sun coming out strong, more berries should be getting ripe. We eat them all kinds of ways.

Maybe I’ll just go a take a nap.

It’s hot tonight, but dry so I’m trying to tough it out. Oh man, how will I ever do real summer? The weatherman said we could expect “tropical downpours” late Sunday through Tuesday. Oh crap.

I’m afraid to check the temp in here. I may end up turning no the AC so we can sleep. My own little resistance to use electricity foiled again.

I’m sipping some mint tea I made by pouring boiling water over the apple mint I pluck from the gardens. There’s’ plenty. Ha! It’s got a nice smooth taste, very drinkable. Not gum tasting like peppermint or spearmint. Good thing I like it since I have so much.

This morning we tried to go get strawberries from the local farm, but got there ten minutes after they ran out. The darn paper ran a feature story about the farm, so word got out and messed with our plans. They said they’d have more in a couple hours but we needed to get back so Gary could go to work. We’ll try again later in the weekend. I had a quart of heavy cream waiting to be whipped. Not that we need to be eating that. Maybe I’ll give it out to the younger thinner relatives. ;-)

The daily writing project is going well. I manage to get something posted every day. I may spend the next few months editing things to suit me. I’m not trying to fix much, since just writing every day is enough in that department. I had a good workshop today with the small group I’ve been working with. We’ll resume Friday classes for the months of June and July, a total of eight classes. But it’s good that we’ve figured out how to stay in touch and keep writing between OASIS class sessions.

Next week Gary is taking four vacation days, added to the Memorial Day holiday to get a total of nine days in a row awy form work. Yay! It’s supposed to rain but we can find stuff to do around here. And there’s no way ot over emphasise the importance of simply relaxing and having no schedule. Of course we have options. Sometime this weekend we’d like to hit the Greek Festival, held at a big Greek Orthodox Church. Music and good food are wonderful there. Their sister church in the city has a similar festival over Labor Day. We try to get to them both. Baklava, spanikopita (sp?), so much good stuff.

Andy and Mary are flying back from California sometimes Monday, so maybe we’ll see them sometime next week. That would be nice.

I feel like the heat is making me rave in circles so maybe I need to go figure out some solution for all this. I could go watch a Netflix movie since TV is useless tonight. but first do something about being hot. Go look at thermostat.

83F! That is not right. Y’all are my witnesses; I tried to keep the AC off. Now I’ve gone and let everything in the house bake.

Forgive me electric company. I have to get some sleep tonight.

It’s time to write a poem so I’m giving my fingers a keyboard stretch by writing a quick post.

I have been busy in the house, made a tasty baked dish that was built like lasagna but tasted like enchiladas. Go figure. A quick das around the little store with Thursday sales was enough to pull home new salad stuff, plus eggplants for the ever popular Cajun dressing. Tomorrow we’re going to get up early and get fresh strawberries from the farm about 20 minutes away. I have cream to whip for Gary but will try to eat mine plain. And in salads. The drive will be good for us, a diversion from being stuck in the house. I’m al mixed up on what day it is. I go to poetry workshop at duff’s tomorrow afternoon, so I’m adjusting my mental state, but first I need to write something for the Winnipeg project.

So I really shouldn’t stay here very long. I wanted to let you all know I got a call from Andy, on vacation in Pasadena. He’s having a great time, seeing the places he used to live and work when he went to school out there. And his in-laws are loads of fun, another young couple. I think he enjoys knowing he has a good vacation destination with the welcome mat always out. They are going out on some yacht on Saturday, a friend of the BIL. So that’s exciting for them. Maybe he was showing of to his mama, telling me all the neat things he was doing. Good.

When they get back it will be back to work – thank the universe – and making changes from the past routine. But I think they’re both up for it.

I had a super nap this afternoon after taking two Benadryl for allergies. Good nap but totally brain scrambled. There’s a reason I only take those at night! It took two glasses of iced coffee to perk me up. Then I drank some apple mint tea, fresh form the stuff I’m weeding out of places it’s sneaking into. It’s light and lovely, very refreshing. I need to look for some of that agave nectar. I used a bit of sugar but would rather not. I’m not sure if I trust Splenda yet. I drink iced tea plain, but mint needs a touch of sweetness.
And I need to get writing. Darn grass pollen is starting to get me stuff again but I’ll muddle through.

Hugs to all.

It’s a sunny day and I can hear lawnmowers down the street. I’m listening to some guitar music by Tommy Emmanuel, and Australian player. I had another short morning with Gary sleeping late from working so many hours. He managed to get up and showered, then had a hearty brunch, another frittata with spinach, bacon, green onions and some provolone cheese. I gave him some good bread with honey butter, OJ and coffee.

He usually eats two meals before he goes to work, but with such a little bit of time, that doesn’t’ work. He doesn’t get supper until 7:30 so needs something substantial to hold him over. Smoothies and other snacks are in his lunch bucket for snacks.

We watered the basil garden and the transplanted bloodroot. I sure hope it takes hold. I need to find a place for the cleome. They’re not going to like the heat we’re expecting today. I should be hurling myself outdoors, but I freeze up when I’m alone.

Why don’t you al just slip through the internet and keep me company, hold my hand and walk me out the door. Yeah, I’m in therapy for decades and we can’t crack this one. I mostly work around it, making like there’s nothing wrong. I just work around the house, so much cooking and other indoor stuff. But today I’m sad with myself for being less than courageous about making the most of the day.

I can tell y’all ‘cause I don’t have to see the looks on anyone’s faces. It’s OK. I don’t understand it either. I am happy my son found work before he left on vacation. I wish I could see the old place one more time. I really care for the chef and every little person who worked there.

Maybe the guitar music is giving me some kind of comfort. Now Stephen Bennett is playing. I have this on Pandora radio, on my Leo Kottke station. The acoustic music is easy on my heart.

Now the birds are all excited about something. I’ve been thinking that the neighbors who lived next door must’ve used a lot of chemicals in their yard, and now that they’re history, the birds are more abundant. The Eurasian Tree Sparrows have as second brood going in their little redbud shaded house. It’s right outside the kitchen table window. I can see all the comings and goings as I chop things and do other prep.

I saw in the paper that the local strawberries are coming in. we sure want to get some of those. It’s a nice little ride up to the farm. Sometimes we get the berries still sunshine warm from the field, so freshly picked and sweet. With such short mornings this week, I don’t’ know if that will happen before the weekend. Just as well. I have to start no to work up the nerve to get out for a poetry workshop tomorrow afternoon. Usually Gary puts me in the already running car and I’m off driving before I know it. Then I get to the safety of Duff’s, see my pals and then skedaddle back home as soon as it’s over, like a homing pigeon.

On another subject I got a call from MSD (Metropolitan Sewer District) in response to mine yesterday. They’ve made special arrangements for us to pick up the three new rain barrels we bought form them. We can get them next week on Wednesday from 4-7PM. We got bumped up in line since Gary works second shift and is off next week. Otherwise it was going to be impossible to get the barrels. MSD got a grant so was able to offer these at a remarkable savings. They got about five times the response they expected, so it’s taking the suppliers awhile to catch up but they are honoring all the orders. Lucky us!

Gary plans to hook them up to the gutters so we can water the plants with saved water. We’ll have to raise the barrels to get good flow. It’s a task that is in line with Gary’s skills and interests. I wonder how it will all come together and he tells me not to worry about it, so I won’t.

I want to do something special for our 25th anniversary this December but haven’t thought of anything that’s just right. Fantasy ideas like taking him to Paris are a bit out of my pocketbook’s range. Well, I still have nice shot of him with the Arch de Triumph (can’t do French here) in the background from our trip awhile ago.

We have next week off, but will not be making any big plans to travel. If the mood strikes us we might take a day trip, but mostly we think it’s good to just have no plans, no timetable and be able to completely unwind. A few things like the rain barrel pick-up and registering the Oldsmobile will take up a bit of time, but hardly any. The idea is not to rush, not to get stressed. We can afford time.

A big family party is on the 30th, a graduation party for niece Katie. She graduated in December but is walking with her class now and has already started nursing school. So her mom, my sister Kay is having the party in pretty weather, at a park. Gary has turned a pretty lidded round box for her.

The next day is Gary’s birthday. I’ll let him choose what he wants. As long as he’s happy, that will be good. Maybe he needs/wants a wood tool. I have to just take him to the store and let him pick. None of it makes sense to me. He’s the same with my kitchen stuff ;-)

It’s a good thing neither one of us are big on surprises. We just want each other to be happy and healthy. We are easygoing like that, a good match.

Sorry I talked so long, but now I feel like I can go get some things done in the kitchen. Thanks for listening.

Today is sunny and cool, but I guess it’ll warm up this afternoon.

I made a big breakfast for Gary: frittata with bacon, green pepper, Vidalia onion and smoked Gouda cheese. It’s short mornings for us when he’s working OT. He sleeps a bit later and has to get things done in a relatively short amount of time. He’s at the bank now, doing the weekly deposit. Yay, for the breadwinner!

Before he left we got a call from Andy. He wanted to give us some updated relief about his uneasy work situation. He went to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse downtown early this morning and, “They were falling all over themselves to hire me on the spot, so I let ‘em.” 

I could hear in his voice how glad he was to be delivering some good news after all the crashing bad news of these past couple weeks.

Ruth’s Chris is a big national outfit, with two locations here, downtown and at the county seat. Andy sounded inflated, but in a good way. He looks great on paper, having worked with some big names from around here, mostly millionaires who thought they could open vanity restaurants but then pulled back with money after not getting richer quick enough from the eateries. It’s a cutthroat business. Some of the places he’s worked are institutions and still around. With his references and personal presentation, RC wanted him to start right away, but he’s leaving to visit his wife’s family in California for a week. So they were happy to wait for him, no problem.

So everyone here is relieved. We never had any doubt about his ability to find work, just not sure where it would be or how he’d feel. He’d hinted that he would go wait tables at Red Lobster or manage a Subway – not to denigrate those places, but it’s not his skill set or level by any means. When he said al that, it was his way of telling us he was wiling to anything.

Even his sommelier certification and other beverage skills will be put to use at Ruth’s Chris. (Odd name from one party buying the famous chain called Chris’ Steakhouse from New Orleans and then not able to use the old name.) The company hires from within, has benefits and he just seems so happy to have this whole mess resolved so quickly in a way that will benefit his family. And he can really enjoy this long-awaited vacation, knowing there is work for him when he gets back.

Thanks to all who have kept him in their good thoughts while we were waiting this out. I’m glad to see my big ol’ boy happy again. It’s like the color of his voice went from muddy black to glowing red.

Now maybe I’ll write an upbeat poem and plant some more color in the garden. Yesterday we (Gary) hacked down a big old boxwood that had started to smell like cat piss and was poking in between the banister by the stairs. Its mate is next, when Gary gets the time. Those got huge! Surely we can find something that will be a better fit for our gardening ‘design’ (she says tongue in cheek). The one he chopped down got in the way of me getting to some parts of the slopping front garden. Maybe I can do a bit more weeding not that I can get to it from up above instead of climbing the hill up to it.

I think I’m going to put of the pale blue iris and the common orange day lilies into the holes in the yard of the reposed house next door. I have too much and it will give more color over there. They are tough plants that will live off whatever nature gives them.

Ah well, it’s all a work in progress, right? I have to remember to not plant anything in the newly opened area that I need to move around. It’s a pathway now. I can sure use some thinning of campanula, apple mint, lemon balm, lily of the valley and goodness knows what else.

It’s getting hot here, and humid. I’m dressed in linen and cotton weave, trying to stay comfy for the afternoon.

I meet up with some poet buddies at a café for feedback and fixing. I’m writing a lot this week, so can use some fresh eyes on stuff getting thrown out so fast.

Late this morning I finally let myself cal Andy and he has no anger in his voice. I know his tones, so that’s good. He’s moving forward. Revival will close next weekend if al goes according to plan. The funny thing is, Andy and Mary will be away in California visiting her brother. Andy will get paid for that and also is being asked to do some business computer stuff when he gets back. Andy say’s he’ll wait tables at some chain restaurant if need be until something opens up. He’s no slacker and has a skill set that would serve him well from a taco stand to a country club. I might drop by after my poetry workshop, just to give him a hug.

I’ve just printed off five copies of three poems for the workshop. I’m writing daily and some of it ought to be worth salvaging.

This weekend we’re invited to two parties, one a BBQ/fish-fry for a young person who bought her first house this last winter. We’re friends with her folks and have known her since she was bundled in blankets in a wheelbarrow while we had fun around the campfire of her folks’ county place in the woods. Now she’s in the city near us. Cool.

The other party later the same day is for the literary mag we support, River Styx. It will be homemade Mexican food and whatever folks bring to drink. The editor hosts make great fajitas. I look forward to the distraction and fun.

I need to leave early today so I don’t’ get caught in the construction traffic mess on the way. I hate traffic and react badly to it. So just give myself a little extra time and hope for the best.
I have some quarters for the parking meter and will scoot out soon. Gary can make a salad for his lunch. He has spinach and meat tortellini in chicken stock for dinner to take in.

The weather looks OK, but I’d better check Doppler radar to see if I need to close windows. This is a crazy weekend weather-wise.

Whoa, Gary just brought in the sign-up sheet for the new pay-more-get-less medical insurance options at his work. Thank goodness he saw it on the table and I already crunched the numbers. We picked the module nearest to what we already had. We’ll just let it roll and put it all in perspective.

Times like this, you can’t think too big or the whole picture will crush you. We’re trying to stay focused on our family and friends.

I’ve made a late start of the day, falling back to sleep when I went to get dressed. I need to get out and work on the containers of flowers and herbs on the deck. It’s not to hot yet and the sun gets worse in the afternoon. Last night’s storms gave us rain but thankfully no hair or damaging winds.

I’m drinking coffee and heading towards the kitchen to get some breakfast at this late hour. Might as well call it lunch.

I had some trouble with the computer this morning, but things are back on track now. It was just another aggravating trip up when I wanted a smooth start.

I’m just checking I here as a matter of routine. No news about Andy’s restaurant or even a word from him. Maybe the closing will give him a chance to reevaluate, find something that doesn’t’ demand 60 hours a week and give him dwindling returns on his efforts. I know he’ll stay afloat; just figuring out the details in a time like this will be harder than usual. He’s hit the ground running in the past. I’m probably over-dwelling on this as his mother. I want him healthy and happy, and this doesn’t’ seem to bode well for either condition.

Let me try to dig in dirt or have some other solid distraction today. Now off to scrounge some breakfast or whatever I call this starting midday meal.

Everybody have a sweet day.

Gary got a paper at work today saying the insurance premiums are going up. So are the co-pays for doctor visits and medicine, double, so that upset me.

And tonight Andy called to say the investors are shutting the restaurant he manages this week. He was geting some financial info from me so he can figure out how to juggle things for a bit.

Crap.

It took all my strength to just be calm and not let my emotions weigh on him. It opens up so much hurt in side me as his mother, but the disappointment and money problems are real-life for him and his wife. And of course I’m not in a position to be any help with this.

I’ll just have to focus on being available as a good listener. I can do that. And Not ask any questions – harder for me. Just let him talk at his own speed about what matters to him. Treat him like the man he is.

This has been a weird day, not starting off well and getting worse form there. Nothing major, just one little aggravation after another. By the time Gary dropped the blubbery smoothie in the sink and purple muck landed all over the kitchen, including on us, we were exasperated.

We had spent time trying to figure out his work’s new “improved” medical offerings, which need to be handed in by Friday. All just increased premiums, co-pays and damn little to do about it. Just be grateful there’s still some coverage. The generic prescriptions are the same but the stuff in the Tier 3 will go from $30 a month to $60. And it’s nothing that’s available in generic. Even if we sign up for mail-order (3 months stuff for the price of 2) it’s still going to bite.

Gary dug up the basil garden, added compost and planted eight plants. We are expecting rain. I’ve been gimpy today, woke up with throbbing left leg last night and can’t get things right. I am stepping vary carefully, feeling like I may twist something or fall down. I know when I’m wobbly and this is that day.

The whole time I was cooking I felt like I was going to pass out. Nothing caused by today’s events, just emotional hang-over stuff from a couple run-ins yesterday, catching up with me. The details are not anything I want to go into, just the kind of thing that makes me face my limitations, ones I usually hide pretty well, except when someone makes demands that can’t be met by me. I try to do some version of, “That doesn’t’ work for me,” but still end up sounding like a snob-derelict-reject.

And I then come face to face with my own self worth in ways I usually avoid. I hope this passes. I’m bound up from spinning my brain cells too fast in the wrong direction.
I’d really like to get outside and plop some annuals into pots on the deck but need company; OK a keeper/helper. It’s one of those days when I’m scared of my shadow and can’t step outside.

I cut the crust off some bread, so I could use it for something. Then when I took myself out the back door to toss the crusts to the robins, I nearly had a coronary. Buckets of sweat and banging pulse. Nearly tripped and fell getting back inside.

I’m moving slow now and trying to avoid the accidents that happen when I’m like this. No knife work, no car driving. As if I could get to the car. Luckily Gary closed my windows so if it rains I won’t have a soaked interior.

It was almost too much for him when he accidentally dropped a huge Tupperware pitcher of smoothie, deep purple form the addition of blueberries and it went all over. I had my back to him and heard him cuss about he same time a wad of blue goo hit the wok where I was making stir-fry. The smoothie was getting put into a small container to be carried to work.

Earlier I’d slipped into the bath, trying to soak the bum leg, did myself no harm, but water sloshed out, and somehow found a hole in the floor next to the tub and dripped onto his wood lathe. Great.

I feel like sitting here writing is the safest thing I can do. When he calls on his first break I hope he sounds better. I’ll not mention my in-house freeze-up or my bread-crust panic attack. He needs no more mention of that today.

Tomorrow I need to be at the eye doctor for a check up at noon. Please let that all be OK. Let me be able to drive myself to the doctor so Gary can have a little free time to himself.

Although it’s just my mind playing tricks, I feel like one gigantic albatross hanging around the neck of the world.

I’m going to go find some music or maybe cartoons to watch on TV. I should check the Netflix basket. Maybe there is some distraction to be found in there.

On a positive note, I’ve been keeping up with my daily writing for the May Day Poetry project.

I just looked up and see that the spider plant hanging in this room is limp. Maybe I’ll go giver her big drink in the tub. I’m trying to find something positive here.

Oh, I forgot to tell you all that my Mother’s Day was good, the whole weekend in fact, Very busy, over scheduled but good: Lots of visits, a couple family meals on both sides of the family and a nice meet-up with Andy and Mary at the place where his bad was playing that night.

We all split a pizza and had a good time. They got me a boxed set of Alton Brown DVDs, an I Can Haz Cheezburger book and a single serving martini shaker, in a snazzy polka dot gift bag stuffed with colorful tissues and a glitter Mother’s Day card. Lots of hugs and I-love-yous. Is there a plural for that?

I should go play with my stuff and remind myself that the crazies are only here in passing. I think I need a coloring book. I have tons of crayons. I might be able to find some bubbles too. I have my methods.

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Thank goodness we all had one or we wouldn't be here ;-)

Whatever the reason for it's creation and eventual Hallmark takeover, today is good day for me, with birdsong and sunshine and another day of visits and hugs with loved ones.

Yesterday we did a quick run through the farmer's market, egg's chicken, spinach, strawberries ...

Then off to a family get-together for Gary's family. Relatives from near and far, ages one to 81. A beautiful day for a drive.

We had to get home in time for dressing up. We had tickets for Beethoven's Fifth at the wonderful Powell Hall, home of the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra. We arrived early for the preconcert talk by the director. We got an excellent parking space too. The concert was great, as expected, with the first half by a contemporary composer whose name escapes me. It was a good beginning.

Afterwards we dropped in for drinks at Revival, where we hugged Andy and Mary. The staff is go gracious to us, wishing me Happy Mother's Day. Several members of the orchestra also came by for drinks and after concert dinner. Very cool.

Today we'll have a bit of breakfast and coffee then head out to Meggan & Matt's place for a good visit with their family. Other folks in my family may show up but it's not confirmed, maybe a couple of my sisters.

I'm looking forward to the fun visit and the promised grilled salmon. Mmm. A favorite of mine.

Later we'll go to Cicero's to meet up with Andy and Mary. His band is playing there tonight and the band has to have al it's equipment set up by 6PM. So we'll go hang out in the restaurant part of the place until time for the performance.

Last night Mary looked really tired. I hope she gets some rest and feels better today. She's been working long hours and that worries me. Andy works long hours too. I guess those lucky enough to still have jobs are picking up the slack with overtime. So I shouldn't complain.

I just love my kids and want them to have a bit of rest, good health and a smile on their faces for each other. It's all a mom can ask for, right?

Hey, sister Kay just called to say she's back from her trip to the Smokey Mountains so I will see her later. Yay!

I'm chilly and need coffee so I'm off to the kitchen. Everyone enjoy the day for whatever reason suits you best. I'll think of all you sweet people when I put honey butter on my toast ;-)

I'm sipping water as I organize my thoughts for the day. So much
to do. We'll go to the after-party for a great niece's first
communion at 1PM, but need to get a simple gift before then, art supplies
are our normal offerings.

I've been so busy with poetry readings, workshops and daily postings
on a special project site, that I've had no time for much else. And I
hate compulsory shopping.

We need to scoot to the farmer's market before that, a tight
squeeze and not the lovely experience we usually have each Saturday
morning. I hate to go there in a rush, always forget something.
The plant growers will have their bedding plants and blooming
baskets. It will be grab and dash, not something I do well.

But first a quick shower, coffee and bite of breakfast. I can't
shower this minute since it would wake Gary, still sleeping. Maybe
I'll sneak on in there in a few minutes.

I had my hair cut a few inches Thursday so my hairwashing routine
will quick and easier. I gets to be a bit much when it's a gray mane
stage. I want to look nice for the family party. Folks are in from
NYC for the communion, so we get to visit and catch up. Gary's dad
is staying out there so we'll visit but not host this time.

We are going to leave a bit early because we have tickets to hear
Beethoven's Fifth Symphony tonight, with a talk by the director
beforehand. So we have to come home, dress up a notch and get to the
symphony hall.

Tomorrow we'll go to our neice Meggan's house for the Mother's Day
lunch. My mom is out of town so I mailed her a card. We'll have fun
with Meggan and get to play with her little boys. Later we'll meet
Andy after he's set up for his band gig at a venue with a nice cafe
and bar. We'll have time to visit and talk for a couple hours.
That's good for me.

The day is just another day to get a little visitng time with Andy as
his hours increase and work becomes even more hectic. We're grateful
jobs are still there for family. It's tight scary times here, day to
day.

I hope those who celebrate have a good Mother's Day, simple with
someone they love.

I’ve had a satisfying afternoon. I drove down to Andy’s place to pick up the pan form the giant tiramisu I made and also delivered a good amount of Ten Pepper Turkey Stew.

Of course I made that up to use what I had in the house; a big pot of turkey stock, six grill-charred poblano peers, four bell peppers (green, red, yellow, orange), yellow onions, green onions, garlic, cumin, ancho chili powder. A can each of rinsed black bean, diced tomatoes and maybe two cups of small diced turkey breast. And whole wheat penne for good carbs. It had nice layers of flavor and some bite.

Anyway, Andy got my lunch, a seared tuna open-faced sandwich offering with spring greens over all and fried okra on the side. He sent me home with a big slice of Dr. Pepper chocolate cake. One of the owners is a pastry chef and the cake is better than anything I could ever hope for.

I also arranged when we might get together on Sunday, since it’s Mother’s Day. I wanted to strike a balance between demanding but also not self depreciating either. Time with him is the gift, and it’s hard to come by these long days. The Hallmark quality of the day is not the point, just that he works such long hours, and it’s hard to get anything planned. He offered to come over in the morning but I know he’d be beat and normally sleeping in. His place is usually closed on Sunday but they opened for this day, to make what money they could. You have to take every opportunity. So it’s not even a free day.

His band is also playing a gig that night so we may go there after the band is set up and just hang out with him. Being the band takes time too, but I think it’s a good thing for his sanity and self-identity. His wife is cool with it, so who am I to complain? I sent him to visual & performing arts school; what else should I expect? It’s all good.

I was going to sit in the courtyard and write but after eating lunch and visiting with him, I figured I’d better head back this way to avoid rush-hour traffic. Well, the nuts were out anyway. Every yayhoo with marginal driving skills and trucks too big to be in the streets tried to shoulder me off the road. There were entirely too many construction zones, but I made it back fine. I just cranked up the classical music station and let it calm me down and ignore the goofballs.

Did I mention that we are going to the St. Louis symphony on Saturday night? Gary’s favorite, Beethoven’s Ninth is the main event. He is so excited. It was sold out all three nights but I managed to finagle some seats reserved for the disabled. I qualify, and those seats were only $20! Wow. I heard they even sold out the dress rehearsal on Thursday.

I was going to buy him one seat in a better location, but none were available, so we both get to go now for a fraction of what his one seat would’ve cost. This piece is such a tidal wave of sound, it will be great no matter where we sit. We’re on the floor, no steps and will have a good view of it all.

That afternoon we are going to a celebration on Gary’s side of the family for a grand-niece’s first communion. We don’t do religion, but it’s family, so we go for the party and give art supplies. The kids love it. There’s only so much Catholic paraphernalia one kid can use.

On Sunday we’re going to niece Meggan’s house for a good meal. She is great about planning healthy and delicious food, a deliberate break with the heart attack food usually served. Her husband is grilling some fish and marinated chicken. We’re going to make a green salad with strawberries and blueberries in it. Her kids will make us laugh with their usual antics, no doubt.

My folks are out of town. They drove to visit a sister in Florida. I found out secondhand through my niece. Rolls eyes. This deteriorating communication has been the norm since last summer, and I’m actually getting to be OK with it. The sibs who live in town are ignored; the ones out of state are worshiped. Not my problem anymore.

On to celebrating with the loved ones who are available and eager to share life with us!

I’m making a grocery list for tomorrow, a quick run for some essentials like salad stuff and some dairy. I may pick up a colorful hanging basket to dress up the place.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day, the best that’s available. I’m going to write poetry for the May Day Project again tonight, so far so good, watch “The Unusuals” on ABC later and try to chill out. I saw a new Netflix envelope too.

I try not to let the economy bug me but gas is up again. I’m trying not to think about it. We considered driving somewhere when Gary has vacation days at the end of May but that remains to be seen.

We are grateful for employment, medical insurance and our home. And of course decent health in spite of our indulgences and heredity ;-)

I really need to go check on the baby birds around the yard. The robins and ETS babies are keeping their parent’s busy. It’s a funny show but only in town for a few more days.

Drinking cold coffee, editing poems for an all month write-a-thon with Winnipeg poets, very challenging. My fifth year with this online bunch: May Day Project on Blogger.

http://maydaypoems.blogspot.com/

I did all day turkey prep yesterday, roasting, cooking side dishes, making stock. Boy, is the fridge crammed full of mega amounts of food. I think the stock needs freezing for future soup or pasta needs.

I just checked Outlook and found a fundraising dinner tonight. Ack! Already bought the ticket and do love the River Styx (lit mag)

http://www.riverstyx.org/

people, so will get together an outfit a bit nicer than my usual raggedy self. Maybe swap out purses; new purple Ameribag same design as old one, picked up on sale awhile back. Fashion is not my thing.

We got a call from the trusty autoshop, where we dropped off Gary's car for safety inspection, and there's $350 worth of work to be done. Not in the budget, but we can swing it. With old cars, these things are random car payments. Can't get emotional about it.

I am not all that great at posting, am I? But today I have big news, at least in my little computer world.

I have a new-to-me 20” widescreen refurbished monitor! I can see stuff again! No scrolling back and forth. I caught a clearance sale, got advice from my tech savvy nephew – all hail Matt – and made the order Tuesday and FedEx delivered Friday.

Whoops! I hadn’t told Gary yet. Surprise! So called Matt to arrange hook up sometime next week, but he just came right over. What a guy. I fixed omelet and salad while he did the monitor switch out (so much dust and junk on my desk, shameful) and was happy with the whole process, plus my choice of monitor w/ adjustable stand.

I gave him tiramisu for dessert and he was even happier.

Meanwhile I thought it would take some time to get used to the new monitor but not even a bit. It’s like having new glasses. I can see so much. We upped the resolution so I can still have my big text sizes but can also play TV shows for the sites. Plus I may now try to watch Netflix movies on the computer.

But I’m really supposed to be writing a poem now. I’m in the fifth year of being asked to write with Winnipeg poets online for the May Day Project. Last year I had a big trip to New York and Massachusetts, and then Gary had the atrial fibrillation emergency up there, so I wrote only a piddly amount. It was a bad month, nerve-wise.

This year I’ll try to write daily like I did the other years. I was glad they asked me back.

Around here in real life, I got depressed last week. To help get past it, I made a giant tiramisu for the crew at Andy’s work. Revival participated in Dining Out for Life, an annual charity function in the region for HIIV/AIDS. The restaurants give a portion of the night’s take to the charities plus get more donations from customers. It’s a big deal. So I made this triple recipe bathtub-sized dessert to add to the staff meal. It was a hit, which was neat. The chef even took some home to his mother.

It was my first attempt at the dessert. I combined about four recipes, as I do and go t great result. I made a small one for us and took the giant one down to the younger thinner people. I need to write it down. I know I used 2 lbs of mascarpone, 1 quart of heavy cream whipped. A dozen egg yolks and a bunch of sugar. Good cocoa and grated dark chocolate on top and in between layers. I found Italian lady fingers at Viviano’s and decided to just use their espresso powder, which was fine.

It was a big job, but fun. I’ll maybe make another one in a couple weeks since I temporarily have a line on cheap mascarpone cheese. Then I’ll get bored and think of something else decadent to make and share.

As for my garden work, it’s all dreams and tiny pots sitting on the front deck. The soil is too cold, just not good for basil, my main herb crop so I’ll wait. I have some brightly colored annuals to plant in the big pots, to cheer me up on the dark days. We’ve had loads of rain. Too much. I’m ready for some sunshine but not the scorching weather. Can’t I enjoy the middle ground for awhile? I guess not anytime soon. In fact I’m getting a chill now, and on the west side of the house. Maybe I need a bit of something to warm me up. Hmm. What could I have? There’s always wine, I can imagine Gary say.

I don’t hear him. He just mowed the yard which seems to grow and inch a day. He may be trimming the hedge roses so folks can see over them at the corner. I hope they weren’t making buds yet, but they are tough. Right now I have irises blooming, just the plain light blue ones, but plenty of them. I should give some away. The poppies are loaded with buds and so are the peonies. A day of sunshine would make everything burst open.

The dogwoods are nearly spent, a few late blooming tulips are still hanging on and the butterfly bushes are leafing out. I see Asian lilies getting bushy and the apple mint is staking it’s claim to lots of garden space. The various hostas are up, as are the calendulas. The old sage plants have fat buds on them. I should cut them off and use them to flavor the turkey breast I found in the freezer.

I should have roasted that tonight, but now we’re hungry and need food that is faster than that. Maybe some grilled ham and cheese sandwiches will do the trick. We have plenty of good stuff from the farmer’s market today. I won’t bore you with my grocery treasures. I did score some poblano peppers that are already charred and waiting to be peeled. That’s prep for a later dish. Spinach is cleaned and torn.

Again I think of something to warm me up. I should go explore my options. Gary is coming this way. He’s hungry too no doubt. Duty calls.